Will you blow on my dice?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I look better un-naked...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize