Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
