"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
His hands were made for my vagina.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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