I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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