Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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