you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
