I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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