I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
