I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
