on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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