two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
