Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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