I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
