I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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