i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize