i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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