I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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