In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
A+ Viking dick
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
