You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
