Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
