Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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