my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
