Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She bit a glass in half.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
