I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
