Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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