I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
