Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
