I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
