college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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