I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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