Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
