god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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