I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
