I can text with my tongue
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
