i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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