All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
