I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
