my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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