my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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