Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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