my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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