I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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