I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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