shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
