roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
