loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize