The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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