"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
