Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
