Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
