so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
