Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
