So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
