Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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