Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
