Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
