haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
