When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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