Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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