There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
