You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
