Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
