I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
