Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
